Wednesday, 14 December 2011

The reasons why Parent Bloggers are cooler than Rock Stars

Last month the NME published their '2011 Cool List', the list of the 50 coolest "Rock Stars" on the planet right now.  You can read all about it here - NME Cool list 2011

Without doubt everyone featured is pretty cool but I often wonder who NME use as a benchmark to compare these cool Rock Stars with.  With no spokesperson available for comment (to be honest, I didn't even ask!), I decided I would take it upon myself to find this 'control' group.  The first group I could think of was, unsurprisingly, Parent Bloggers.

Parent Bloggers and Rock Stars are actually more similar than we think - we are both role models for a younger generation, neither of us gets much sleep and we both know how to partay! I wasn't there but the recent Tots 100 Christmas party sounded a lot livelier than an NME Awards do I once went to!

But when all is said and done, who really is the coolest? Well, ladies and gentleman, today we are going to find out.

Using NME's 'Ten Commandments of Cool', the criteria that accompanied the Cool List, I am going to put a case across for each as to why Parent Bloggers are potentially cooler than Rock Stars and then use a simple scoring system to find a winner.

Please be warned that there are some 'Parental Advisory' words relating to Jools Holland and multi-storey car parks (not at the same time though) that NME provided in their 'commandments'. Anyway, here goes :

1. WEAR THE UNWEARABLE If you carry off a look that a mere civilian would be attacked in the street for rocking, you is da shiz.

The case for Parent Bloggers - parents are renowned for wearing more than just clothes in the street - it's usually made up of snot, our baby's breakfast etc. Oh and at least we dress ourselves and don't let our record company do it for us - that is NOT cool.

Parent Bloggers 1 Rock Stars 0

2. TERRORISE THE MAINSTREAM There's nothing cooler than making Jools Holland shit himself.

The case for Parent Bloggers - okay, Rock Stars, who is going to clean the mess up? Not bloody us matey! However, we will probably have some spare nappies on us to help Jools out in his hour of need, and that's pretty cool.

Parent Bloggers 2 Rock Stars 0

3. CULTIVATE THE MEDIA The less we know about you, the more we want to orally pleasure you in multi-storey car parks.

The case for Parent Bloggers - there was obviously a typo in this commandment as NME had spelt aural wrong but...sorry, hang on a minute. What's that? (sorry my PR advisor needs to tell me something).

Really?!! In a multi-storey car park?!! That's very unhygienic with all of those exhaust fumes and everything! Do you know if they're referring to an NCP? You can't confirm. Okay.

Well erm...what's so cool about that anyway?!!

Parent Bloggers 3 Rock Stars 0

4. BE COMFORTABLE WITH 'COOL' The cool don't have to say they're cool. They KNOW they're cool. Knowing you're NOT cool is not cool.

The case for Parent Bloggers - Oh COME ON, have you ever seen the way we act at kids' parties and dance at Wedding receptions?!

Parent Bloggers 4 Rock Stars 0

5. HAVE PHYSICS-DEFYING HAIR Cool used to be about how little you could see through your fringe; now it's about how much Cochrane you've got in your curl.

The case for Parent Bloggers - How do we know what our hair looks like anyway - we never have time to look in the mirror?!

Parent bloggers 5 Rock Stars 0

6. BEEF UP THE BEEFS Nothing says 'fuck you, Media Training Advisor!' more than slagging off other acts in print with nary a care for who your dressing room is pitched next to at festivals.

The case for Parent Bloggers - we're lovers not fighters, that's much cooler.

Parent bloggers 6 Rock Stars 0

7. TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN 'Closure' is back, and cheering up is the new moping about like a twat.

The case for Parent Bloggers - Hmmm, I haven't seen much evidence from Rock Stars of them fulfilling this commandment recently, to be honest.  Parent Bloggers, on the other hand, are a happy go lucky bunch even when we look and feel like zombies.

Parent bloggers 7 Rock Stars 0

8. COMEBACK WITH CONFIDENCE Every Tom, Dick and Dodgy is reforming, so give us every ounce of nostalgia with nobs on.

The case for Parent Bloggers - yeah right, you'll 'Comeback with confidence' if the money is right, eh?!  I, and many other bloggers before me, never have, and probably never will, earn a penny from blogging (I have won a Trunkisaurus, yes, but that was in a competition. There's no law against Rock Stars entering competitions y'know?!) We do this cause with love it! Where's your passion?! Where are you?! Let's be having you?!!! Sorry, erm...went a bit 'Delia Smith' on you there! Anyway, I think I've made my point (and won us another one - yes!!!)

Parent bloggers 8 Rock Stars 0

9. INNOVATE Credibility comes wrapped in fresh ideas as naturally as Odd Future records come wrapped in parental warning stickers.

The case for Parent Bloggers - even I have innovated in my time as a Blogger and written blog posts that don't just focus on music, like this one - 'AKA...Two Honeymooners and a baby vs two American cops and a yellow fluffy duck'  Status Quo, on the other hand, still only use three chords.

Parent bloggers 9 Rock Stars 0

10. JUST 'HAVE IT' Sorry Dalston Superstars: some people are descended from a strata of our species known as Homo Bossasfookus.

I'll let the Rock Stars have this one as a consolation as, to be honest, I feel a bit sorry for them and their underperformance.  Beaten by Parent Bloggers - ha ha! Who'd have thought it?!!

FINAL SCORE : Parent bloggers 9 Rock Stars 1

So, there you have it, it's official - Parent Bloggers are without doubt cooler. 

Right then, all together now - "9-1 to the parent blogs, 9-1 to the parent blogs, 9-1..."


  1. I love it. We are da shiz my friend. We are.

  2. Superb post !!!
    Nothing like a bit of 'up the parent bloggers' !!
    What is a 'Trunkisauraus' .. And how the hell do you win one ???
    In fact how do you win anything at this blogging game?
    All the best for Christmas !

  3. I most definitely win at 4, I have my own 'style' one day everyone will be throwing the shapes that I do

  4. Very clever! I've just taken a new look at myself in the mirror after reading this and am thrilled to realise that beneath my pilled wool and ketchup stains there is a Cool Woman lurking.

  5. I've tried to distance myself from the parent blogger tag. Doh! What was I thinking?? I want to be cool like you guys... *adjusts nerdy specs and changes out of ironed jeans*

  6. I think winning a Trunkisaurus is way cooler than anything the rock stars can blag. It's a suitcase. That a small can ride through the airport.

    Y'see this is obviously why I wasn't feeling The Courteeners gig the other night. I am, obviously, way cooler than Liam Fray.

  7. awesome, rock stars can eat my left over baby food!!

  8. Thanks for your comments everyone. Parent Bloggers - One Team, One Dream...

  9. Us parent bloggers can also manage a really good spat with way classier flouncing than the rockers ever could - and who needs illegal substances when you have lack of sleep to help you hallucinate (oh and a small child to have a conversation with when you will feel as if you are hallucinating as you have the same conversation for the 50th time in 2 minutes).

    Fab post, did make me smile!

  10. Thanks for all the lovelinks pub you've been blasting on Twitter, and thanks for linking up! I was thinking your list was gonna give at least one point to the rock stars, but you stuck it to 'em good.

  11. Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I can mope around like a twat FOR. HOURS. Those rock stars...psshh. I wanna see them down a fifth of whiskey AND get up the next morning at 5 am to wipe asses and make baby cereal. Yeah. I went to bed at 3 am, too, suckas.

  12. I like the the post. I have gone th extra mile to write that I'm not a daddy blogger.

    I do think that people write a good blogs are rock stars. Godo writers can do so much.

  13. Clearly, you are a GENIUS! Go parent bloggers! Boo rock stars,

  14. I thought parent bloggers WERE rock stars! Shit.

  15. 9-1. That's incredible. Parent bloggers are NOT rock stars - we simply rock. Period.

    Someday, our kids will know it, too!

  16. Currently screaming like a Rockstar as I just lost my previous very fab comment (a legend in my own mind - Rockstar mentality:)) I previously said that I love this post and that the style and innovation points were my faves. Style because in addition to the stains that populate my wardrobe I also have been know to rock slippers outside of the house and have worn my short inside out countless times. As for innovation...that happens daily! Thank you for giving those of us that go to bed before 10 and smell like Cheetos an edge:)

  17. Too bad I can't sing. Oh wait, neither could Mili Vanilli. Yeah, you are right.

  18. haha this is a very COOL blog post.

    I am so cool that i hang out at the recycling depot most saturdays... I'm ok with that. because i'm effortlessly cool.

  19. Ha! I've critically analysed your research methods and findings... and... AGREE!!!

  20. Cheers for all the comments I've had since my last thank you. You're all very beautiful people.

  21. I suddenly feel very cool, hip and happening! Innit! Thank you!

  22. I always knew I was destined to be great, now this list proves that I am!